Living With Scars

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  

Thinking about this topic, I remember the many scars that people are carrying around. Almost every woman in my family has suffered from some form of Domestic Violence. I am saddened to say I have been the victim at one time, but now, I am a victorious sharer of my truth.

Women are not the only ones who share this sad truth. Men often will not speak out due to the stigma around their gender.

Those who have been victims of emotional violence feel that they are not victims because their scars cannot be seen.

I was one of those people until the realization came that my life had been changed without me even knowing it.

Sometimes it takes a single moment or years to groom a person to live underneath an evil ruler.

It starts by being isolated from friends and family. You become dependent on one person and have nowhere to turn.

You are told their truths, and you believe them since the information cannot be disputed by the empty chairs where friends and family once sat.

I was not allowed to have a cell phone. I was told, why would you need one? They had one, and any message that comes can be relayed.  

How thoughtful, I would not have to worry. Boy, was I wrong?

I also was not allowed to have an email address. They had one, so why wouldn't I use theirs so they could help me. I mean, they understood computers more than me anyway, right?

Total isolation leads you to believe almost anything they say because your connection with the outside world is cut off.

Once they have total control, they get to do whatever they want and know that you will do nothing at all other than be obedient.

Anything can happen from here. They can tell you how long your neck is, and you look like a giraffe. They can tell you that you are cheating on them because you were not having sex with them when they want it. Good wives do not deny their husbands. You must not appreciate them because you do not cook their meals when they want them. Why is the house not as clean as they like it.  

Even though you are exhausted, you cannot even look in the mirror at yourself and have absolutely no idea who you are anymore.

You cannot seem to understand its abuse because you have no idea it is happening.

Once you realize it's happening, some glimmer lets you into the real world, and everything starts to crash around you. You feel that your whole life is a lie. You question everything that has ever happened, and you even begin to question your reality. You wonder if you are awake or in a dream numerous days of the week and wonder if you should be locked up in an asylum.

You fight to keep your sanity. You do what you have to do to keep your family together and away from this perpetrator.

Once they lose control, they will lash out. No matter how they lash out, they will lash out. They will put their foot in the door, so you cannot close it. They will lay claim to your new residence, stating that you are still married, so they have a right to be there.

They will make plans to have the kids and then cancel them, leaving you and the kids devastated. The kids do not understand, all they want is their parents, and you want a night to sleep.

All of this can happen, but yet, there is a lift on the other side. There is thriving on the other side.

It took me ten years to pick myself back up, but I did it. It took me this long because I would not admit to myself or anyone else that I had been abused. I wanted to hide because I needed to be healthy. I did not realize I was weak by hiding in the shadows and not accepting help for my children and me's lives. Had I been strong enough to get help, our lives would have thrived a lot sooner.

Ten years after I accepted help, I was able to open up to another person and let them in. I was able to take my life and move into the healing process.

I still have nightmares, I still question my sanity at times, but in a different way. I thrive because I did not let them break me.

I thrive because I got out in time. Not everyone does.

My Cousin lost her live-in June 2019 because she thought she had it under control, just like I thought I had my issues under control.

She laid dying on her very own bathroom floor as the monster sat in the living room watching T.V.

Her daughter had to bring the police to the house for a wellness check. They saw this monster hide behind a couch and knew something was off.

The police busted into the house and found her unresponsive on the floor, yet she had been holding on.

After a few hours in the hospital on a ventilator, it was determined that she had no brain function. 

We genuinely believe that she held on so she could say goodbye to her girls. She loved her daughters fearlessly.

I can tell you that even her daughters have been victims of domestic violence.

When will the world become better and stop trying to control people? When will hurt people stop hurting people?

Let me tell you when it all ends! When we start to accept help for the mental health issues that we have. When will we stop allowing mental health to be a stigma on our name?

We end it when Mental Health is an essential part of our healthcare system.

Written by:

CJ Ives Lopez